Another Hello.

It’s been months since I write. I don’t know why I started this page, then leave it, then coming back to it.

Perhaps, boredom.
Perhaps, the need to connect.
Perhaps, I want to know myself,
or simply the need to improve my English?

As the world changes and pushes humans to stay inside, I feel more eager to go out and meet friends and family. Funny! I never imagine I can miss someone; let me rephrase that. I’m not missing someone particular, I just miss going outside and see other human beings doing their things. 

Well, this post has no specific meaning or purpose. I don’t even know whether to upload or discard this. I’m not sure if you will finish reading this weird post. But if by miracle or accident you finally read this….

I’m just gonna say, Hello Again!

Senin lagi.

Besok kau harus pergi kerja. Besok akan biasa-biasa saja. Pergi pagi bersama mereka yang tidak kau kenal, mengeluh di tengah hari, dan merindukan senja untuk cepat datang kembali.

Senja.

Waktu yang sangat kau nikmati, karena akhirnya kau bisa sendiri. Menikmati langkah di sepanjang jalan Sudirman, bersama lagu yang masuk di kuping kanan kiri.

Sendiri.

Entah kenapa kau menyukai kesendirian. Mungkin kau terlalu lama menyendiri, apa-apa diurus sendiri sehingga canggung ketika ada yang menemani.

Something Poetic

Let me write a poem
about something beautiful
or someone beautiful
anything,
I want to write prettily

And just let my fingers guide me
like those old times
when the words just swarming
then the phrase pop out
and I don’t even know what I write

They construct themselves
and I just obliged
I am a mediator
of words
within me
or surrounding me
they whisper
suggest
and nudge
they demand
to be written
to be seen
to be deliver

Photo by Fabrizio Conti on Unsplash

Querida

Querida.
You said,
but I don’t understand
and you don’t bother to explain

Standing still beside the window
and the sunset behind you
makes you glow more
and I don’t understand how effortless
you stole my breath

Photo by Josh Rose on Unsplash

A rest

I want to rest
and look out of the window with no regret
I want to exhale
the morning air while laying in my lazy chair
I just want to stop for a moment
or maybe end it altogether

since to the very end, the one who take care of me 
is me
and this path I am walking
is too distant, yet tangled
and I have no idea how to stop
when everyone keep dragging me

Wishes; seriously?

Be as brave and as full of love as the main character. -Iain S. Thomas

After all these years, you really know little about me
don’t you?
your last wishes were a joke
you know I never am the main character
I am a shadow
YOUR shadow
and I never want to step to the light

You know I am as dull as those knives
your father left in the attic since you’re a child
to want me to be brave is too far fetched
I am a snobby loser
a coward
a puppet with no will to fight
I mean I have nothing to fight for

And the lamest jokes of all,
you want me to full of love
when you never give me one
when you always said to be careful of love
that it will hurt you
bite you
leave you when you think it will last

So, do tell me
what was the purpose of your wish?

Photo by abi ismail on Unsplash

I WISH I KNOW

I was wondering, why I am such a coward
I’ve been waiting 30 mins to open my own door
Just because I hear someone talking behind it
My only comfortable space is my dirty room
With dust on the bookshelf
Cracking paints on the wall

I was questioning what I should do in my life
I know the routine doesn’t always bad
It is not so bad, really
But damn!
It feels like I am not living
The imagination in my head is more intriguing
Tempting

I wish I know what I should do
I wish I know what’s good in me
I wish I have a reassurance to explore things
I wish I have someone to back me up when I fail
but I don’t

That’s why I stick to what I am doing
Not because I like it,
because it is bearable
because it is a sure thing

Photo by Kevin Grieve on Unsplash

Open air

Just sit carelessly
Waiting for the train to come and take me
This is my first time I don’t care about propriety
Sit few inches from the yellow line
I don’t broke the rule, almost
Cool breeze and soft music as a friend
I pray for time to slow down
Watching the mechanics is a movie itself
And what’s better than sitting in the open air?

---

©Aksara, 13 Juni 2018

Drafts

My piled of draft sprint to outnumber the published one.
And somehow it hurts my ego
Seeing unfinished job,
Scatter
Unpolished
Gibberish
That’s my life
That’s how I write
I’m not even a writer
but a writer block come to me already
Isn’t it pathethic?

---

©Aksara, 30 Juli 2018

Acceptance

Life is full of contradiction
at least, my life
and I accept it
Now, I am at the stage of acceptance
Rage and roller coaster emotion was left behind
Have no guarantee this stage will last
but
I should enjoy it while I can
before the turmoil come again
and abstract painting in my head come to life

---

©Aksara, 30 Juli 2018.